Tuesday, 1 July 2014

I wish I knew how to describe this feeling

I've tried to put it together in my mind, but nothing quite covers it. Here's a list of some things that go into the mix, but the quantities shift and roil like an ocean of sand:

  • Infinity - a yawning gape at the centre of my chest that both sucks in and spews out all of the possibilities related to everything in my life. It's far far too much to look at closely. I don't really know what it contains.
  • Constriction 1 - a physical pressing in of my body from the air around it; from the walls of the room; from the light; from the darkness.
  • Constriction 2 - a feeling of inflexibility in my mind; dark tunnels railroad my thoughts down the same dead-ends over and over again.
  • Inaction - I can see all of the things that I need to be doing right now. I know how easy it would be to do them. I do not do them.
  • Weight - movements both in my body and in my mind are heavy beyond belief.

Don't worry, I am aware of what these things add up to. I am not ignoring them and hoping that they will go away. I am trying to seek out glimpses of a route away from this. Those flickers of light will come, they will. I can wait for them. I just wish I wasn't always waiting for them alone....though who could sit here with me through feelings like this?